A Little Gratitude for my Girl

As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom.  I wavered back and forth on my career path.  Would I be a doctor or lawyer?  Perhaps an astronaut?  Maybe I'd be a reporter for CNN?  I couldn't decide.  But would I be an awesome mom?  You betcha!  I was raised by a stay-at-home mom who actually enjoyed spending time with her kids.  (At least she appeared to.) I feel like I had a pretty amazing childhood, especially looking back and realizing how little money there was for leisure.  We went on vacation almost every summer to the beach or Disneyworld, or both.  My parents made sure we never missed out. Maybe we didn't have the nicest clothes, or brand new Nike shoes every school year, but we had a huge piece of land on which to play Cowboys and Indians, fresh food on the table every night, and we always felt loved.  I could only hope I'd give my kids the same kind of life.

Flash forward to March 30, 2013 when Little Miss Charlotte arrived.  People always tell you that having a kid changes everything, but I don't know that I could've ever expected the changes to my personality that would develop over the next several months.  I suppose our children should make us want to be the best versions of ourselves.  Right?  Well, that's exactly what happened to me.  I realized after bringing her into our lives, that I wasn't who I wanted to be.  This little wiggly person who couldn't even speak had given me the inspiration I needed to do better... For myself and for her.  

For years, I'd always been rushed.  Late for work, late for parties, late for everything.  I'd get so stressed out about running behind that my stomach would get upset.  I've always been a procrastinator, (Just ask my mom. I was ten days late to being born!) so I always felt high-strung and in a hurry. I talked fast, walked fast, and truly did my best work under a deadline.  That might sound awful, but it was what worked for me.  However, having a baby to tag along everywhere, you just can't hurry.  I never want Charlotte to feel like I'm rushing her.  I want her to grow up in a home that values her time, where she is free to explore, even if it means we're five minutes late.  She LITERALLY has to stop and smell the flowers anywhere we go.  She takes my hand, pulls me to the edge of the sidewalk, and leans in.  It's the cutest thing ever.  Moments like those should be cherished.  I'm just now, at 31 years old, learning to slow down and "smell the roses".  What have I missed?  All those years rushing around too focused on the destination to enjoy the journey, what didn't I notice?  It's so beautiful to watch her discover her world.  I've decided that I will never rush her anywhere.  If we're late, so what.  She'll only be little once, and I don't want to miss a second of it.  More importantly, I don't want her to miss a second of discovery time.  

Part of being constantly rushed is the elevated level of stress I was always experiencing.  I couldn't turn off my brain or my body.  I was always busy doing something.  I'd go, go, go all day and quite literally crash into bed at night.  These days, since I'm learning to slow down, I actually take time to sit in the floor doing nothing and watch her play, or play with her if she wants.  This week, her favorite game is "shove mommy over and sit on her like a conquered mass."  We've been having so much fun!  Sure, I'm not going to bed quite as early as I'd like, but my priorities are a bit different these days.  I do miss sleep, not gonna lie.  But before I know it, she'll be too big to play with Mom, and she'll want to be left alone.  And that's when I'll take a nap.  ;-) 

As you know from last week's Gratitude post, I'm practicing yoga daily and starting to meditate.  I love my mom so much, but she was pretty angry at times during my childhood and would take her frustrations out on us kids.  I don't ever want to do that.  It's tough.  There are days when I'm in the wrong frame of mind, and I have to stop, take a deep breath, and remind myself that it isn't her fault.  It's not her fault that some guy almost wrecked into me on Memorial Blvd.  It's not her fault that some idiot was rude to me at work.  And it's definitely not her fault that the internet connection is too slow to do anything I want it to do.  Those little things that set a person off when they're already stressed don't matter anymore.  I'm learning to react slowly, which has made a massive difference in my mood.  If she spills something on the floor, I remind myself that she's just learning about gravity.  When she's being loud, I remind myself that she's learning new words and wants to practice.  I think we forget what it could be like at her age and size, seeing so many mysterious things and people around her.  I'm doing my best to see things from her perspective.  I don't want her to see Mommy as an angry person.  I want to be a guide to her in this world.  I want to teach her that there will always be upsetting times but we have to think before we react.  And judging by how happy and fun she is, I think she gets it.

Charlotte has made me think long-term in regards to my career.  I have a great job that I love, but I also have a passion for raw food and health.  Thanks to her, I've gotten off my butt and tried to make a better future for us.  I look around and see the health crisis in this country, and I'm so thankful for all of the health struggles I've ensured.  That led me to a place where I feel I belong in life.  Since her birth, I've gotten certified as a raw chef and instructor, joined a raw food meetup group, and made tons of new friends who are also working to improve our food culture.  I've been known to reach out blindly to other bloggers online for information or just to introduce myself and thank them for being there, which is something I would've been far too intimidated to do before.  My daughter has brought out the "fighter" in me.  

This world, especially the physical earth, holds so much more for me now.  Thanks to her, I'm learning how to have a more sustainable way of life.  We are gardening, composting, recycling, etc.  I want to leave the planet in better condition than I found it, and teaching the next generation to do that is of utmost importance to me.  

I've been changed, for the better, in so many ways in the past 16 months.  I hope that Charlotte looks back someday and sees what an impact her existence has made on me.  And I hope she develops the same love for life that I only discovered after meeting her.  Thanks, baby girl!  I love you more than you could ever imagine.

💓