Gratitude Tuesday: Calming the Mom Brain

There was a time, in the days of pre-mommyhood, when I had time.  Yes, back when my mornings weren’t filled with wiping fresh puddles of urine from the bathroom floor and chasing a naked toddler who would rather streak than sit on her potty while Mommy runs her bath, and my nights weren’t a mad-dash to get everything done and everyone fed before10 PM, when I could go to the gym every night.  I’ve been a weight-slinging girl for years, but about three years ago, I discovered a class at my local gym that involved yoga, tai chi, and pilates as one workout.  It was my first experience, believe it or not, with yoga.  I fell in love.  I found it at a time in my life when my adrenal glands were burned out, and I’d been told that due to hormonal imbalances, I’d never get pregnant without some serious medical help.  I was already exploring detoxing, and new ways of eating, so I thought I’d give new ways of exercising a chance as well.  And when suffering from adrenal exhaustion, slower workouts are welcomed.  Of course, I got hooked quickly.  I bought my own yoga mat, attending classes two or three times per week, and added yoga videos from YouTube to my regular routine.  It was what I needed at a time when my mind was horribly cluttered with fear and anxiety.  I can’t say that I learned to meditate, but I did find a certain pleasantness in just being still and focusing on my breath while trying to master “pigeon” or “tree” pose.  It helped me to calm my anger when someone cut me off in traffic or things got too crazy at work.  I felt like I was on my way to being the person I wanted to become… calm, strong, peaceful.  Then, I got pregnant.

The first thing my midwife told me?  “Don’t lay on your stomach.”Considering how much time I spent face-down on my mat, I was lost as to how to continue with yoga.  Bummer.  I looked into pre-natal classes, but they’re really expensive!  And most of them were at times that wouldn’t work with my schedule, anyway.  (I’m thoroughly convinced that people have this notion that prenatal yoga moms don’t have jobs.)  That was when I just said, to heck with it.  I gave it up.  I continued lifting weights and doing some cardio.  I ran almost daily until about halfway through my second trimester when I felt like I was shaking things loose in there.  I felt good.  I can honestly say that I had the easiest, most comfortable pregnancy of anyone I know.  (Notice I said “pregnancy” not “labor”.  That’s a whole other story.)  But I did miss yoga.  I couldn’t wait to get back to it. 

After Charlotte was born, I was so caught up in the little moments…my own kind of mental yoga, I suppose.  I was really living in the present more than I ever had.  Each coo, cry, or wiggle was fully tended to and appreciated.  It felt so amazing to spend all day caring for her.  After I went back to work last summer, I started to crave some of my old routine.  It would be a few months before I made it back to the gym on a regular basis, but I started using some hand-weights at home and doing short workouts a few times per week.  Also, I would add bursts of high-intensity exercise into my day at work.  And after I gained back some strength and flexibility, I heard yoga calling to me again.  By then, though, the class that I’d been enjoying prior to my pregnancy had a completely new schedule and I couldn’t attend any of their class times.  Another bummer.  But I wasn’t going to let that stop me.  As they say, there’s an app for that.  I downloaded Pocket Yoga and Yoga Studio on my iPhone and started using them for a quick workout on my lunch break or a longer one before bed.  Awesome stuff, you guys!  You can pick the duration and type of yoga sequence you want.  Whether it’s strength, flexibility, balance, or restorative, they’ve got you covered.  I’m sure there are a bunch of great yoga apps out there, but these are the two I stumbled upon.  After a few months, I’m back in my groove and feeling better than ever.  I’ve even been known to take a quick break and work on my pre-handstand positions.  This time, I’m taking it very seriously.  I’ve made it a goal to learn to meditate, but I’m having a very tough time quieting my mind.  I did a 30 minute video from YogaByCandace on YouTube Saturday afternoon while Charlotte napped, and followed it with a guided meditation video (that you obviously don’t actually watch, cuz that would be dumb).  I’m not sure if I managed to clear my mind or if I was just trailing off to sleep, but when it was over, I couldn’t even describe the calmness I felt.  It’s what I imagine being high feels like, but without paranoia or the munchies.  I’ve been trying to meditate for a couple of months, but Saturday was the first time I think I actually managed to do it, even if it was just for a couple of minutes. 

I’m not sure what I want to gain from yoga and meditation, but I know I want to be in control of my thoughts and my body.  I have a superficial goal of being able to do a handstand, because who are we kidding?  That would just be bad ass.  I’ve been a slave to my anger and insecurity for my entire life, so I want to take control of those thoughts and stop letting them decide how I react to situations.  There are times when the dogs chew on something they’re not supposed to, or Charlotte puts a stuffed animal in the dogs’ water bowl or toilet.  I want to be able to address those situations with compassion and a calm head.  I know my yoga and meditation practice will help.  It already has.  Before I respond, I now take a breath and ask myself, “can I change this?  Will being mad help anything?”I don’t want to be an yelling mom.  I want Charlotte to learn to be a peaceful person from me.  If nothing else I teach her sticks, that’s the one thing I hope does.  We live in such an anxious and hot-headed world.  I just want her to be able to deal with other people in an intelligent and calm way.  I want her to be a better person than I am.  For that to happen, I have to become the type of person who teaches her HOW to be better than me. 

I’m so gracious to have been led to yoga when I was.  I’m new to this world, but can already see changes in myself.  I plan to continue down this path and work at it until those changes radiate from me… and then I’ll keep going.